Embrace Conflict

(thanks to Cheryl Richardson for these wonderful thoughts)

"Marion Woodman tells us that wholeness comes from learning to "hold the tension of the opposites."

We live in a world of duality. There's daylight and nighttime, summer and winter, good and evil. It's the nature of living as a human being on earth to deal with the tension of opposites. And yet, navigating the complex feelings that come from holding this tension can be stressful and challenging at best. You interview for a new job, for example, and find yourself anxiously waiting to hear how you did while knowing that at the same time you need to be patient and detached from the outcome. Or, you try to be a good parent by encouraging your son to go out into the world to live a full, rich life, while everything inside you begs to hold tight to keep him safe.

How do we hold the tension of the opposites and still thrive and enjoy our lives? What can we do to make this experience less stressful? Here are a few things that helped me:

Give voice to your feelings. As I grappled with mixed emotions during the trip, I felt alone and a little crazy. After all, here I was in one of the most beautiful cities in the world and part of me wanted to be home. It didn't make sense. But, once I stopped suffering in silence and shared my thoughts with Michael, I discovered that he felt it, too. Sharing my feelings and knowing I wasn't alone immediately made me feel better.

Honor the opposites. Rather than judge one side as better or worse than the other, give both parts of you equal consideration. I spent some time by myself writing about the traveler in me who was thoroughly enjoying seeing new places, meeting new people, and having new adventures. And I also wrote about the other part that loved our home, missed Poupon, and wanted the comfort and peace of familiar routines. What I soon discovered was that giving time and space to both parts of me made me feel stronger and more capable of being with the tension.

Strengthen your ability to hold both. Once I felt stronger, I had a glimpse of what Marion was talking about when she said that "wholeness" comes from holding the tension of the opposites. Rather than try to exorcise or ignore my uncomfortable feelings, I needed to see the choice to be with both as a kind of "inner training session." As I centered myself in the tension, I imagined weaving parts of me together into a stronger, more mature woman. By doing this I was developing an emotional muscle that would ultimately allow me to bring more of who I am to the world. "

I personally love paradox...it is fun to see that two things, that are opposite, are both true...stress, yes, and good stress...it is all how we see it with our eyes. Rev. Mel

"New Frame"?

Cognitive reframing--the wonderful practice of looking at things in a more positive light in order to experience them as less stressful--is a simple and effective stress reliever. And there are unlimited opportunities to practice cognitive reframing to maintain a more optimistic (i.e. less stressful) world view.

Sometimes it helps to see how others can take lemons and make lemonade; sometimes it's nice to get a pat on the back for a brilliant example of cognitive reframing you've used in your own.I would be curious to see how YOU do this...let me know...

"Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility." ~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I think the only way to be ready to serve the world in the best manner possible is to reframe the situation that is stressing you right now, then recognize that it is less important that what you have to do in life...and then take action. Your gifts are too important to hold back...reframe and enjoy the joy!

Curiosity about our "Reasons"

So, how did you do comparing your values vs. how you spend your time (from previous post)?

If you are doing your values--as I said, GREAT! If not, I often ask my clients/students, why not? That is not an easy question to answer...because we can look for the easy response and say "I did not have enough time"...or "Someone asked me to do _______ and that took me away from ______"

However, let's look deeper...let's be curious about ourselves....let's not assume that it was the reason that showed up for us. What lies beneath that reason?

I think getting curious about ourselves is a valuable and important activity. What drives us? If I say I am going to meditate 15 minutes each am becasue I know that my spiritual health is important to me, but then I don't do it 5 of 7 days...what does that mean? Not from the blaming perspective, but from a compassionate curiosity perspective. Am I not worth it? Am I giving in to someone else's needs or priorities? Am I in fear about the lack of time I have so I skip it?

Those are better issues to work with vs. the initial take on the reason I gave myself. Those kind of things represent some work to be done...some of the causes of our stress...then we are are on the road to healing that issue by exposing it. Rev. Mel

Your Five Values

"There is surely nothing other than the single purpose of the present moment. A man's whole life is a succession of moment after moment. If one fully understands the present moment, there will be nothing else to do, and nothing else to pursue."-- Hagakure

Ok...so you have your five values that really represent who you are or (or maybe what you would like to be). Start here....track yourself for a week and see how you spend your time. Does it "look" like your five values? Why or why not?

If so--congrats! You are doing a good job of living your "word". If not, what got in the way? Because how we spend our time is a great indicator of our values...perhaps there was a new value you discovered or perhaps you were living someone else's values?

We have a choice in every moment to live our values...when we do, we feel good and are probably not stressed. When we don't, we are stressed and guilty. We need to live what we know to be true for us, not for others. This is a huge aha for some of us...so track yourself this week and see how you do...Rev. Mel

I have heard it said that living out of our vision is more powerful than living out of our circumstance. Holding on to a vision invokes the circumstances by which the vision is achieved. Vision is content; material circumstances mere form. ~Marianne Williamson

It is difficult and stressful, I think, to try to get ourselves out of a bad state of consciousness from the ground floor where we lives are real, day to day lives. On the ground floor, we do not see the light at the end of the tunnel...no way...it is just plain dark!

Trying to "create" in the dark is hard...we need the light, and the light comes from our having a bright vision for where we are headed, a light created by our vision. Do you have a vision like that? One that illumens your day, that inspires you when you might feel low... if so-GREAT! Go there often and spend time in that light.

If not, begina visioning process for yourself...think of how you want to feel - create a list of 5 words that describe how you want to feel...and focus on those five words every day...and i will write more about that soon...this is the beginning of the rest of your life. Rev. Mel

Trouble as a Stress Reducer (!)

Trouble is only opportunity in work clothes. ~- Henry J Kaiser

There is a wonderful TV commercial that you have probably seen: Trouble

This cute and wonderful dog worries so much about his bone..."where to keep it?" I see myself in this dog. But I can also laugh at this "outpicturing of me" because I do know that trouble also represents opportunity for growth...that reduces my anxiety.

I do have to "flip" my mind a bit to get there...but I can...what do I need to know here?

There is always something...and I also know for sure...that learning is one of my favorite things to do...I am now working on getting to that point, quicker!

Living "Limit-less"

"If you accept a limiting belief, then it will become a truth for you."-- Louise Hay

If I am thinking that I have limits, that is pretty stressful for me...I do not feel free to experiment, express, try something new, or push past my apparent boundaries...or get out of my comfort zone. That just feels icky even writing it...so, let's look at this.

What are other words for "limiting beliefs"? How about these: "I can't; I am not good enough; I couldn't possibility; I don't have that talent....and on and on. Again, it doesn't not feel good to even think that way. But if I did, I could re-think it...and get a new feeling, like "I am free to be me!"

My truth is freedom...and it is not stressful for me, it is liberating...it is stressful to start making a list of what I can't do...true or not true. So, when I hear any voice inside me or my words outside of me saying anything like "I can't"..maybe I don't want to, but I have a choice...that is different energy and diminishes the stress. Choice always feels good...especially when I am clear about what's important top me and what I value.

So, what I know for you is that choice is your Truth...and allows you to live without limits.